In this op-ed, Briana Lawrence explores why she chose not to have sex with her boyfriend in college, and how eschewing the relationship she thought validated her led her to a deeper appreciation of her identity. I have an important announcement: When I was 17 years old I finally got a boyfriend! Cue wild applause and generous amounts of confetti, yes? But as a chunky, nerdy, black girl, there was a part of me that felt like I had something to prove, and having a boyfriend seemed like the perfect way to prove it. Back in the day I was a big fan of, well, me. I was proud of it.
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He had a glint in his eye that told me straight away he had a kinky edge. I knew sex with him would be wild, but I never would have guessed that his biggest sexual fantasy didn't involve him doing anything. We'd been dating for a fortnight when he let slip how much it turned him on to imagine me sleeping with another guy while he looked on. It was the thought of me orgasming from that man's penis and the raging jealousy he would then feel that got him off. At that point, I wasn't ready to act out his fantasy - I just didn't like the idea of it. I wanted to have sex with Chris and Chris alone. But I could describe to him stories of sex with other men - I'd always been into dirty talk.
"My best sex ever was... while my boyfriend watched"
Lots of people come to our forums because the sex in their relationship has become infrequent or stopped all together. While there is some evidence to show that sexless relationships are at an increased risk of breaking down, the bigger risk factor is actually indifference to the situation. That means you care. Lots of couples get on just fine without sex. For many people, sex may not be the most important thing in a long-term relationship.
And guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.